Have you ever wondered what it might be like to have sex with a giant throw pillow? I surmise that it would be as (if not slightly more) exciting than sleeping with Paula Abdul. Paula is capable of exhibiting about as much pizzaz as a three toed sloth filling out a loan request form. Her sleepy demeanor and slurred speech seem like the product of a six egg vicodin omelet. I want the old Paula back. The one that seemed like she could make you scared to ever have sex again on account of her sending you to the verge of cardiac arrest. Unfortunately, though, we're a long way from "Straight Up".